It's the most minor thing. It's only about a square millimeter on my right front tooth. But people notice it. I notice it. I don't know why I did it for so long. It only cost about $50 to fix. They kept saying it'd be fixed this time.
So I've had it up to here with the self deprecation and decided to go to the dentist and get this bad boy fixed up along with whatever damage there be in there. I'm online looking for a new dentist because the last one scared the shit out of me. He stuck the novacane needle in the wrong side of my mouth last time he had to do some work. It just wasn't a good match. I get my bony ass up and go down the crooked steps of peril to greet my lovely roommate as she gets home. She's in the middle of talking to her bo about how she got her picture taken at the dentist for her pretty teeth. They wanted to hang this picture in the lobby or something. She can't stop raving about her dentist. Who the hell does that? Rave about your dentist? I tell her I was just looking for a new dentist online so she gives me a business card. How cool. This stuff happens to me all the friggin' time. Every day some strange coincidence. Several times a day with regular frequency. I'm still amazed by it and have pursued a further understanding of this phenomenon which I'll go into sometime when it's cool to do so.
So I got this business card of a highly recommended dentist from someone I trust. And I'm scared to go. My life is a pitiful wreck ever since I decided to rock the chipped tooth. Maybe one of the worst decisions I've ever made in my life. I must really hate myself.
People will talk to you and and then when their eyes notice a chipped tooth they have to look away. Then they won't look you in the eye the anymore for the rest of the conversation. I know it's not anything I say because even friends I know instantly flipped modes as soon as they noticed it. They might think lesser of me. I think it's culturally ingrained and not their fault at all. I bet I've done it before myself in some form or another. The averting of the eyes trick. Slick. So now I now what that feels like. I never really found any other meaning during this experiment. Some people can look past it. Those people rock. They are looking deeper into someone than just what's on the surface. I've learned that image is more important than I gave credit to it. I've always tried to be a deeper spiritual person and be artistic at the same time. I've made decisions that have afforded me greater freedom than most people I think. I have gotten away with a lot of things I don't think most folks would think risk worthy. I feel liberated by materialistic values and tied to very little in my life. I think I've learned from that to actually value material things. From this chip? I dunno. It almost seems like a wasted experiment. I could have guessed that people would behave in that way. It didn't develop into anything more. I did notice people with gaps in their teeth more. Politicians, actors. There's a few out there. Highly regarded too. My step dad has a chipped tooth that he's never fixed for as long as I've know him. Maybe I was brought up to think that's normal or something. I have the most tense relationship with that guy. I don't know how he can go around with that. That's it. Now I understand. I understand the guy a little better. Maybe he doesn't like himself. Maybe he thinks less of himself. It relates to another topic all together but I think I understand now...
Girls don't like a chipped tooth. I've made out with three girls since having this chip. One of them is as blind as a bat and said it didn't bother her. She's trippy enough that I believe her but the other two kept noticing it and then I felt self conscious again. Kissing is no fun when you feel self conscious about a little tiny chip in your tooth. It makes you feel gross and lacking. You really miss out on one of the greatest joys in life. I think that's the main reason why I have to get this thing fixed. I have to keep the girls at a distance.
I wish their was some deeper meaning to share. It's obvious what you get with something bizarre like that. But I lived it and know it and have shared with the world so you know not to let your teeth go uncared for and to maintain a clean grooming standard. People won't pay you as much respect and you'll feel grody when you make out with someone. Maybe someday I'll feel inspired to advocate dental health to people.
I'll go and get this thing fixed and the people that wouldn't give me the time of day will once again. It'll be a like a switch. I've seen this happen four times before. I'm just going to have to accept it. Maybe I was hoping people would see past it. To remind people not to be so shallow. If we do that we put ourselves up for judgement. But, that's the way it is. A little dose of cold reality medicine. I think I needed that. Time's getting on and I can't keep on doing these experiments to my body like this. The cost of things is catching up and I fear losing the things I've been accustomed to. I still want to live hard. I'll just have to find another outlet for this complex I have with living an experimental lifestyle. I want to make a new me. All the best parts. Skip the pain and the sorrow. Screw it. I want the good things that I've denied myself. I'm tired of suffering. Limitations have taught me many things and one of the most valuable lessons I think I've learned in my life is that limitations are good but that life has a limitless potential.
I'm going to remake myself. I've been turned on to makeover TV shows by my roommate. I never cared much about my appearance before. I always took it for granted. I'm not super handsome. I'm not ugly. Some girls think I'm cute. But I've pursued a spiritual life and that is one of the tenures of that livelihood; to look past the surface and into the soul. But the soul is developed over time in your body. All throughout your life. It's how you perceive things and that in turn is partly by how you yourself are perceived. It's not something that you can ignore completely. It's a part of nature. How you look. Appearances. How painful. For some it's tops and it just doesn't get any better as far as options go. For others it's a curse. How lonesome to feel unwanted. Maybe we all wish to be judged on an equal level. It's wishful thinking but maybe that's how we want heaven to be. Or Utopia. It's an ideal to not judge someone by their appearance. I for one have found many doors open to me as a reward for my openmindedness. But that's not everybody. Most of the world doesn't operate that way. at least not currently. Life can be cruel. It can be harsh. Makeover shows and cosmetics and all that girly stuff, for however much I hate it, is a godsend for millions of women. It can increase their self esteem tremendously. I see them radiate when they parade about at the end of the shows like a piece of meat. Just because I have a hard time seeing it from the shallow end doesn't mean I can take it for granted anymore. I have to maintain a decent grooming practice. I look like a slob. I am dressed down from how I feel most comfortable. Comfortable isn't necessarily a t-shirt or old jeans. That's on your skin but real comfort is how YOU feel inside. That's the guide. Do you feel a little more attractive after you've done yourself up? Even just a little bit better?
I normally spend about half a minute in front of a mirror anymore. I used to spend hours in front of them but I had to try something new to keep myself entertained. I kept my hair short and that saves so much prep time in the morning at least. I have to care about how other people see me. Life might revolve around me, it's hard to prove or disprove, but if it does, I think I'd want to live in a world where people will let me know if I look out of whack. It only helps me to care for myself. Dental health is a good thing, kids. There I go already.
The phrase "cut your teeth" means you're learning something for the first time. I sort of see my life like it's the first time all the time. Living in the present. However in this case I think it means that I'm growing up. I can't afford to pursue every new thing that comes up. I have to settle down somehow. One of my most terrifying thoughts. I guess I've hit a certain age or something. I can't act like a kid forever no matter how much I'd love to. I'm sure getting older has some cool plusses too. But I'll never know unless I know how to take care of myself better, right? Both spiritually and physically. Mind and body. Both are one.
I think I wanted to know what it was like to have low self esteem. It's not something I think I've ever really known. I've always felt good about myself and I think that's the only thing that's kept me going this long. But I can't go on any longer this way or I won't be able to pull myself back up. I know what it feels like to be a piece of shit. No one is a piece of shit. When you feel bad though, you aren't as capable of doing some of the things you could be. I know more now what it's like to be judged on your appearances. How painful it is. How cruel and inhumane. To be a responsible person comes with responsibilities. And some responses involve having to take care of yourself better.
Society has a lot to say. Built into it are values. They come across in strange ways but they exist for a reason whether we like it or not. We just have to live with it. I'm glad I have the freedom to find out more about myself and others around me. The world is showing me tough love. Just the way I like it. You can chose how you want to live. I've chosen a way that I don't recommend to anybody. I haven't respected myself lately. Appearances are important. However shallow they may appear they do have meaning. How you present yourself says a lot about yourself. I never really considered the potential detriment it would have to my emotions and self esteem.
Everything in my life revolves around a little chip in my tooth. It's so odd. It even sounds odd to me. The whole premise of going a year with that. I must really hate myself or be a glutton for punishment. I'm done with that. I want to keep living. I have to put aside things that are going to hold me back. I've done some other things in order to handicap myself in society that I'll share further on down the road. Limitations and or handicaps are a strange way of learnings things but they work. They only go so far too. I think I've learned as much as I want to learn. Possibly too much.
I can't wait to be reborn. It's so simple too. It's like a 10 minute procedure at most. That's all it's going to take for me I think. I'll be able to start from the bottom with a healthy feeling about myself which is what I want to do. I want to see if it's possible to start from the bottom with just a positive mental attitude. But I have to get to the bottom first. I think I'm there. At least as far as I'm willing to go and as far as my beaten self esteem can handle. I believe in the power of humanity so much that I think you can do just about anything. Maybe I'm an artistic, philosophical thrill seeker. But if I can make good in the world by these simple means alone that I live by, then I think it could be an example of hope and lead to a better world. If anything I think It'd make for a great story in general for my life. I'd like to be remembered for being able to work with hardly anything and by using my head to solve a situation using simple methods. I'm at the bottom I think. I feel sad all the time. That's not good. Time to do something. I look forward to going to the dentist. My ironic life.
